Some have said that the funeral is for the living, not for the dead. I believe that the more the funeral or memorial service reflects the one who has died, the more healing and meaningful it is for those who are left to grieve..

A few years ago my husband, Niko, and I went on a date to plan our funerals. Though it may not sound like a very romantic date, we had a profoundly beautiful evening together. We went to a favorite, cozy tea house, armed with our favorite holy books and a hymnal from our church. After ordering tea and dessert, we each took some quiet time to think about the readings and music that had meaning for us. From those, we chose the ones we most love, or which most convey our feelings about our life, our death and our faith.

As I began to reflect on my funeral, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my life and for each person I imagined gathered for my final celebration. I wanted my funeral to reflect that deep gratitude. I therefore chose readings and music that spoke of the wonders of living on this earth and the precious gifts of friendship and family.

As Niko and I shared our selections, I was surprised by the results. None of the readings Niko had chosen were readings I would have chosen for him. One of the passages I had never before read. I gained new insight into my husband that evening.

In addition to readings and music, we shared with each other who we would like involved in our service, who we would like to do our eulogy, whether we wanted to be cremated or buried, where and how we wanted our ashes scattered, and to what organizations we wanted memorials to be donated.

We wrote down our choices for one another as a guide to planning our service. We left room for creativity and for the needs of those who will be grieving. And yet, there was enough recorded to truly reflect our spirit in the service.

As you reflect on your final celebration, who would you like to have involved? What readings and music have meaning for you? What symbols, flowers or rituals best depict your spirit?  Record those answers in a Lasting Gifts Manual, so that when the time comes, your loved ones will have a base in which to create your final celebration.

-Kim